The D in D Va stands for Dumbledore, obviously
by Kream45
Summary: D. Va finally receives a letter from Hogwarts. Everyone is happy for her and she goes with her friends to buy an owl and other stuff. When she finally enters the school of her dreams, something… happens.


**/If not for the errors on this site, this story would have been published like 5 days ago./**

 **/This story is not exactly what you call normal, or logical, or with purpose, but shit, you're still gonna read it, m I rite?** **( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) /**

D. Va was playing Overwatch on her computer, when some fucking owl flew into her room through the window.

"Holy shit!" she screamed, "A bird flew into my room! Get the fuck out!"

But then she saw a letter attached to the owl's leg.

"Dafuq is this?" she grabbed the letter and threw the owl out of the window.

 _Congratulations!_

 _You've been chosen to go to Hogwarts!_

 _Hogwarts is the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where people learn spells and shit!_

 _Don't forget to buy all the shit necessary!_

 _The list of required items is on the back of this letter._

 _Cya!_

"Oh my God!" D. Va exclaimed, "I've finally received my letter from Hogwarts!"

She went to the Overwatch cafeteria, to tell everyone about the letter.

Inside the cafeteria there were a couple people.

"McCree, could you pass me the salt?" Reaper asked.

"Here, have it, and what are you even doing here? You're not even a part of Overwatch." McCree replied.

"Well, I'm in the game, so that means I'm in Overwatch." Reaper stated.

"No you aren't." Torbjorn said, "You're here only because we have free food."

"True." Reaper admitted.

Symmetra, Lucio and Soldier-76 were sitting at another table.

"So, guys, pals, whatever you want me to call you…" Soldier started, "Are you going to eat those fries?"

"No." Lucio said. "You can have them."

"Take mine, too." Symmetra added.

"Oh, thanks." Soldier got happy, "I'm really grateful. Not many people do many nice things for me…"

"Cool." Lucio said.

"Wanna be friends?"

"Can you, like, go away?"

Then D. Va arrived.

"Hey guys!" she said.

"Hi." said everyone.

"I've received a letter from Hogwarts!"

"Oh my GOD! Congratulations!" Soldier said.

"Good luck in your new school, girl!" Lucio was happy for her.

"Don't forget to send some pictures when you get there!" Symmetra said.

"And some nudes!" Reaper added.

"Can you, like, leave finally?" Torbjorn sighed.

Then they went to play some Mario Kart and then they ate some fine, fair-trade bananas, washed their hands and went to sleep. I don't know why I'm mentioning all that.

On the next day, D. Va, Symmetra and Reaper went to do some shopping, to prepare for Hogwarts.

"Umm, tell me again, why did you come with us?" D. Va asked.

"I also have to do some shopping." Reaper said, "You see, my coat is not edgy enough, and it has a semen stain, over here, so…"

"Okay, we get it." Symmetra said, "Just behave, please."

"Alright, alright. D. Va, what is it that you need to buy?"

D. Va looked at the letter.

"It says right here: A small-sized dildo, a medium-sized dildo, a large-sized dildo, a buttplug, medium-sized anal beads, a small vibrator, a long, thick vibrator, three bottles of erotic lotion, an enema set and an owl."

"That's a lot of stuff." Symmetra noticed.

"Where are you going to buy that owl?" Reaper asked.

"I'm more worried that there aren't any magic-related items on the list…" D. Va was worried, "There is no wand, no pot, no broom, no fucking anything, but all these sex toys and a fucking owl…"

"Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be alright." Symmetra pat her on the back.

"Yeah, and if it won't, you'll be pretty well equipped for your new career as a pornstar." Reaper said. D. Va and Symmetra scowled at him.

"Okay, I think… I think I'll go and buy myself a coat… yeah."

Reaper ran away and hid somewhere.

D. Va sighed.

"Alright, let's go to a sex shop and buy all this shit."

Then they went to the sex shop and bought all that shit.

"Cool, but I still need an owl." D. Va said.

"Where can we buy an owl in a city?" Symmetra was wondering.

"I don't think we can." D. Va said, "I have to go there tomorrow and I won't be able to buy the owl by tomorrow. Shit!"

"I think they'll let you in even without an owl." Symmetra said, "And you probably could buy the owl in Hogsmeade!"

"You think so? :0 "

"Of course!"

"c:"

They went back to the Overwatch base and D. Va started packing her stuff. On the next day she said goodbye to everyone in Overwatch, plus Reaper, who happened to be there again, just to eat something delicious in the cafeteria.

D. Va went to the train station in London, went through the wall on the platform Nine and Three-Quarters, and entered the train just when it was about to depart.

She met some nice people on the train. She was wondering why she was 19 and invited to Hogwarts, with young people on the train, but whatever.

Then, when she was sitting at the Great Hall, Dumbledore said:

"I like tits ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

And then the procedure of assigning houses started.

She sat on a chair and they put the old Sorting Hat on her head and it said:

"Well, I'd say that you could _easily_ get into Gryffindor, but I sense that you didn't buy an owl."

"Well, I haven't, but I bought all those dildoes you asked me for!"

"Oh, so your letter said that you should buy items from a sex shop, m I rite?"

"Yes."

"Then you're not even a student! You were invited here as a sex-slave!"

"What?! You didn't mention that in the letter!"

"Oopsie Daisy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"

Then Dumbledore said:

"This girl here is to fullfil your needs, students ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Use her as you wish!"

Then the students yelled happily, and ran towards D. Va . She was about to ran away, but she tripped and everyone raped her. Simply every student, no matter the house or the age. And then round two started, when everyone sticked the dildoes into D. Va and fiddled inside her anus.

And then D. Va cried, because she wanted to learn spells and shit. Dumbledore got sad, and gave her a wand, and then he taught her how to use special spells, like Avada Kedavra, and then McGonagall taught her Masturbendo, Tentaclus Summonus, Analus Fiddle-Diddle and, naturally, Alohomora (because it's the coolest spell ever, you can steal shit, u kno what I'm sayin'?).

D. Va spent a couple of days in Hogwarts, practicing spells and fucking with students, and then came back home, just to realize that when she was gone, Reaper ate everything they had, so she killed him with Avada Kedavra and went to her room, to use that tentacle spell… ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **THE END**

 _Ahh, nothing like a story that is completely irrelevant to the lore of what it's based on_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


End file.
